Tech Billionaire Ted Kord Caught Funding Warren Campaign

MOVE THE FRIDGE, FIND THE COCKROACHES!

Although Senator Elizabeth Warren seems to have gone out of her way to portay herself as “anti-big-money” to the point of carefully selecting donors and donations, it was revealed in financial records obtained by popular whistleblowing website Queefileaks that the Democratic semi-squaw is actually being nearly completely bankrolled by tech billionaire Ted Kord.  Kord has had a spotty relationship with morality in the past and may cut into some progressive support of the Presidential wannabe.

Venture capitalist Raymond Palmer has boosted Bernie Sanders’ coffers, but to a much smaller degree. Ha. Get it? Smaller.

Inherited from the young entrepeneur’s father, Kord Industries is responsible for several advances in the hovering aircraft industry, as well as producing several types of weaponry.  Kord was also a notable figure in his attempt to sabotage Wayne Industry’s “Brother Eye” software, leading to events that had many convinced the portly, yet clever industrialist was dead.  Kord has since re-emerged with a large backing from the Latino community.

“Ay dios mio. That was one HELL of a quincinera!”

Fox News political blumpkin investigator Hector Hammond believes Kord could be damaging to Warren’s chances:

“In today’s Democratic race, it’s seen as a bad thing to have the backing of a billionaire.  Sure, President Trump can take in donations beyond the legal limit and not be investigated – I mean, his buddy is the Attorney General who’d paint his balls with lipstick if he were so asked.  But this Kord character is well known in business circles as one who ‘works blue.’  He’s re-structured over 52 times, and stays as silent and unbothered as a beetle in it’s shell.  I’m no mind-reader, I can’t say what relationship he and Warren may have, but- wait.  I am a mind-reader.  You’re thinking about boobs right now aren’t you?”

“Do you think I can’t see that you just KEPT that dollar fifty the young man at the Taco Bell undercharged you? You are an OPEN BOOK to me!”

With the news breaking unceremoniously before the critical Iowa caucus, it will be interesting to see if the partnership will affect liberal opinions.  Will Warren’s campaign rise to be a champion of justice?  Or will it be shot in the face by it’s own ambition?  We can only wait and see.

Be the first to comment