Clintons Prepare For Hillary’s Certain Death.

Tomorrow is Saturday and the Clintons are preparing for the inevitable: the death of their matriarch, Hillary.

As yet another grim day approaches and eerie grey clouds roll in over the Clinton Compound in Chappaqua, New York, the family can only sit back and wait to find out what fate their beloved murderer, mother, wife, and grandmother will have in store.

Many a Saturday has passed with Hillary left alive and well, but the family is quite certain that the current trend is going to hold and that Hillary Rodham Clinton won’t make it until midnight tomorrow. Clinton spokesperson, Art Tubolls, tells us about the mood inside the house behind the 30-foot wall:

“It’s heartbreaking really. The Clintons have no plans tomorrow, which makes things worse, since that means Hillary will most likely fall down a flight of stairs and break her neck at home or bump her head and drown in one of the 4 pools, 16 ponds or the indoor fountain.

If she stays inside, she risks an airplane or hot air balloon crashing through the roof or a monster truck breaching the front picture window. There could be a fire or a structural collapse that could do harm to her family.

So the other option is to go outside, where she risks a horrendous death at the teeth and claws of the local woodland creatures. Imagine being attacked by squirrels or eaten by a band of rabid chipmunks. the poor woman was dragged off into the woods by wolves once for Christ sake.”

Tubolls is right. No matter what, she’s done for. If it was me, I’d probably stick with outside too and hope it’s a sniper or quick bolt of lightning and not like…being stung to death by Africanized honeybees. We don’t have to like the woman to have some empathy.

About Flagg Eagleton 19 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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