Netanyahu Declares President Trump An ‘Honorary Jew’


Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu made an announcement Sunday that he will be holding a ceremony and gala celebration in early September to declare President Donald Trump an “Honorary Jew” for his outstanding devotion and pandering to his country and Jewish-American voters.  Dubbed the “Bigly Mitzvah” by the overseas press, the event will last 2 days in Tel Aviv, and has sent out invitations to everyone from the Trump family, foreign dignitaries, celebrities, and nearly everyone who isn’t Representitive Rashida Tlaib or Representitive Ilhan Omar.

Also not invited, Seth Rogan. Jews think he’s adorable, but you know, it’s enough already with the pot.

Details released to the media describe a preliminary “Jewification” ceremony, where Trump will be coached by a Rabbi for two hours in order to be able to pronounce a single Hebrew word, ” שובר שיניים”, which will become his Mitzvah name.  Following this will be a brief “UnPassover Seder”, where the inner circle of participants will be treated to a meal of shrimp and matzoh sandwiches, cheeseburgers, and various charcuterie displays and plates while the music of both Neil and King Diamond is played by Israel’s own string quartet “Schlomo’s Schwinging Schmucks.”  Trump will then be taken on a tour of Israel’s retail merchandise outlets, where he will be encouraged to buy nothing.

Thirty five dollars for a CHAIR? Oy vey, do they think I have Bill Gates’s tushy?

The site of the unique ceremony will be none other than Temple Beth Oygevalt, Israel’s oldest and most sacred place of worship.  Built in the year 4 by seventeen fishermen and and a violinist, the Temple boasts seats made of hardened clay-covered camel carcasses, artwork depicting the life-cycle of the gefilte fish, and beautiful Mahagony carpeting added by donor Joe Leiberman in 1994.  Dinner for the first and second night’s festivities will occur outside, at the Lenny Kravitz Pavillion and will continue on into the night to illustrate the principle that : “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.”  All guests at the ceremony will recieve a gift bag of bagels, dreidels, and large rolls of saran wrap to cover home furnishings to they don’t get stained or dirty all the time which drives bubby meshuginah.

Although Trump has not publicly commented yet on the honor, White House insiders say he he beaming with pride at the invite, and can’t wait to : “Meet Tom Cruise and John Travolta.  Or am I thinking of those other people?”