Judge Issues Rittenhouse a Declaration of Innocence

It’s true, patriots. “Not guilty” is not the same thing as “innocent. Not guilty means the state couldn’t prove your guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, therefore you can’t be punished.

It takes a declaration of innocence, from a judge, to have the stain of a serious charge lifted, even if you did nothing wrong.

Now, Kyle Rittenhouse can tell his employers and friends and all the haters on the internet that he’s not just not guilty, he’s been declared innocent.

Judge Corey Racker issued the declaration after a short presentation by Rittenhouse in a private hearing that may or may not have involved three rubber chickens and a live donkey.

Acting immediately on the information, Rittenhouse’s lawyers began legal proceedings against everyone who said he was guilty. Forbes predicted he’ll be the 13th richest Trump supporter in Wisconsin by next October.

Rittenhouse says he wasn’t planning on asking for the declaration, but that people around him urged him to do it. “All my friends and most of my family are still trying to figure out how to get rich off of this, and this was the first step.”

This is America, patriots. If you can’t get rich from killing two people and getting away with it, you have no business killing two people. Or something like that.

God bless America.


About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 171 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.