Kerry Reported Missing

UH OH!

On June 31st, John Kerry, former presidential candidate and secretary of state under Barack Obama, left aboard a private Oceanic Airlines jet, flight number 94544.  The craft landed on schedule at the Sandy Batt Creek private airport in Derry, Maine, with more than two hours remaining until the diplomat was scheduled to attend a briefing with his lawyers to prepare him for his testimony in the Obamgate hearings next week.  A witness told authorities that Kerry had been speaking animatedly on his phone to someone near the exit gate, and security camera footage backed it up.  That was the last anyone has seen of him.

Even the wormhole near Deep Space Nine has reported no anomalies. Although, Dax’s worm might have eaten some wiring again.

Kerry’s disappearance has been kept low-key in the media, due to the nature of his possible volatile testimony in the upcoming federal hearings, and in deference to the wishes of his family, who are searching desperately and working alongside police and investigators at this time.

So far, the biggest and most probable lead in the search is that no “obamagate” investigation, hearings, or trial of any kind actually exists, and that the entire report may be completely invented to give federal authorities a better idea of how many trump-supporting mentally-ill crackpots will read only the headline and begin inventing physically impossible Hillary Clinton or Obama dipshit theories, thereby allowing them to determine how many hospitals will require lobotomy equipment when Trump loses the 2020 election.

Authorities have begun gathering up Skynyrd albums to lure the trumptarded into cages and humane enclosures when the time comes.

Federal security and intelligence agencies agree that such a ruse is of the highest degree of importance, as psychotic trumptards who still think Obama wasn’t born in America and that Hillary had people assassinated are the leading danger to normal people nationwide.  Hopefully, after the election, we can place these doddering twat mutants in FEMA camps and feed them shitty chick-fil-a for the rest of their days.

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