President Trump Just Saved The American Lobster Industry From Collapse

When the report came in from the North American Ocean Atlanticus Committee formed by President Trump last year, he sprung into action. According to the report, the American lobster industry would be gone within 10 years if we didn’t act — and fast.

According to scientists, the warming of the North Atlantic caused by normal conditions and definitely not climate change is driving the lobster population further and further north. Just 20 years ago, nearly half of our lobsters came from Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts. Now, the warm water has forced the cold water crustaceans to the North to the rocky coast of Maine and Vermont. You can’t even find a lobster in Gloucester these days, according to a source inside the first bar we found there.

So, the answer is to either come to an agreement to allow American fishing vessels into Canadian waters — or cool the Atlantic. President Trump, being the smartest stable genius of all time, came up with the perfect solution that he will commission the US Coast Guard to pull off. According to WHOIP spokesman, Art Tubolls:

“We’re going to add some rocks to the neat drink that is the North Atlantic. Coast Guard and Navy ice-cutters and tug boats will go and collect some of those huge chunks of ice the Democrats are always complaining about and drop them off of cape cod, which should cause a mass migration of lobsters back to the area.”

Actual scientists are calling the plan “the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever heard,” citing that melting what little ice we have left is possibly the worst idea in human history since Home Alone 2.

That won’t stop our president. So far he’s done a real number on those “scientists,” proving that we can have a space force, there is no global warming and most importantly, there was no collusion.


About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 171 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.