Youth Shoots 2, Injures 1 At Oakland Protest


It was damp and cloudy in Oakland, California, Monday evening, when his mother’s car drew up at the LaForm Auto Repair shop on Queefgust Street.  17-year old Kurt Spokenhome exited the vehicle with a borrowed AK slung over his shoulder and kissed his overweight guardian goodnight.

The troubled 30-year old woman works as a sumo mat.

The protest was against the use of Hellman’s mayonnaise, due to the nasty swear word in it’s name, and the crowd was everywhere.  Suddenly, three individuals, Sandy Batt, Joe Barron, and Phillip Collins Jr. approached, asking where the hot dog stand was.

Spokenhome immediately opened fire and then dropped sobbing to his knees.  Batt and Barron were dead, while Collins was shot badly through his left shoulder, generally guaranteeing the loss of “In the Air Tonight” from his professional repertoire. The entire encounter happened in under one minute.

Now in jail, Spokenhome faces two murder charges and one attempted murder in what is sure to be a giant mumblef*ck of a courtroom case.  Based on video and records of the event, his lawyer is going with “self-defense” as a strategy.

Similarities abound in this case to the Kyle Rittenhouse scenario, with the massive exception that this shooter’s skin is a dusky black color.  Will that sway the jury?

Noted racism expert Mel Gibson says it will.

“Oy.  Yeah, crikey, the little sundowner’s gonna get some serious time, probably life.  See, Kyle got off because of the nutty judge and his pearly white complexion, yeah?  This kid is negroidian, and probably a gang member to boot.  Get that in the article.  Gang member.  Thug.  Yeah, this boy’s screwed.”

“It’s okay kid. I hear they have flavored soap.”

After preliminary injunctions and appearances, the case is hypothesized to begin in April.  Let’s all hope poor Kurt can generate enough crocodile tears by then.