Waiter Shot For Refusing to Say ‘Merry Christmas’


Joeseph A. Barron, a waiter at a Bennigan’s restaurant location in Bloomington, Louisiana, is in critical condition this morning after refusing to say “Merry Christmas” to a guest Sunday night.  Doctors have been working all evening on his condition.

Federal investigators have taken a Queeftown man, Emery Squarenuts, into custody, and are holding him on suspicion of use of deadly force for his role in the incident.  No one else at the establishment was injured in the event.

Wendy Rittenhouse drove him to the location and gave him a gun and three uppers.

Witnesses told the police that Squarenuts had been in the restaurant with his wife Emily for about an hour and a half, and had finished dining when Barron approached with the check and muttered “Seasons Greetings” to the couple.  Sgt. Malcom Reynolds filled in from there.

“At that point, the suspect angrily replied ‘Merry CHRISTMAS!’, at which point the victim replied in the affirmative and left to handle another table.  Upon his return, an agitated Mr. Squarenuts rose from his seat, pulled out a concealed .45, and fired three shots.  The third hit it’s target in the chest.”

Barron was rushed immediately to Our Lady of the Wafting Fart medical center and is currently in the ICU eating jello and playing Toon Blast.  Authorities say the other two shots struck a statue of Robert E. Lee and a bowl of Liberty Stew on an adjacent table.

The man was also a member of The Three Percenters, or in common trerms, a “cockmuncher.”

Squarenuts is being held without bail and is scheduled for a court hearing on December 2nd, 2023.  His family has opened a GoFundMe account for his legal expenses.