Report Finds Blue States Took More Stimulus Funding


It took a little while for Congress to stop playing the usual games, even during the greatest crisis America has ever seen, and finally pass President Trump’s life-saving idea to send out stimulus money to people and businesses in order to keep the economy flowing.  However, a report by investigative conservative think tank “Project Vaginatos” has discovered that far more funding is being distributed to “blue” Democrat run states than to “red” trumptarded areas.

85% of Alabamans alone are unable to afford pants.

One would believe that it would be the poorer and more ineptly run Republican states that would require more of a welfare bailout, since they’re the ones run by economic imbeciles and teabaggers more concerned with destroying women’s rights and keeping traitorous statues in front of buildings that real Americans died to have built than actually helping their constituents.  Joe “Red” Barron, head of the GOP’s Department of Douchery is hopping mad:

“I am hopping mad.  This is a case of Nancy Pelosi sticking her liberal fingers in the money pot and stirring them around like Donald Trump harassing women in the dressing room at the Miss Teen USA pageant.   And it’s twice as disgusting.   Blue States have calmer and more sensible governors.  They obviously aren’t going to end up needing more.  They are stealing the money from out of our two-toothed children’s mouths.   And make no mistake with that figure of speech, we southerners do feed our kids money.  If a piggy bank can look like a pig with a slot in his back that you can put a quarter in, for sure little Zeke can take a couple in his cake hole.  It’s easy to do before we send him out to mud school.”

“No, Billy-Bob, books do not make you gay. Now put your meth pipe away and wear pants next time. I don’t care which chicken your dad has to sell.”

Prosecutor Trey Gowdy has already leapt into action, sensing another phony scandal like Benghazi that he can investigate for a decade and still end up with nothing.  Here’s to hoping he can continue that pathetically stellar accomplishment.