It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon at New Jersey’s small but popular Blumpkin Burger restaurant on West 14th street. The drive-thru business was steady, although the inside dining area remained closed due to the current pandemic crisis. At a table, nonetheless, using his private dining privelege as a V.I.P. sat former Governor and Trump Advisor Chris Christie, hungrily making his way through a second Double Blumpkin and conducting an exclusive interview with reporter Joe Barron of the Washington Queefer-Times.
Outside, cars moved from menu to window, gloved hands ran credit cards and made change, the masks on the faces of the cashiers as prominent as the small bottles of sanitizer next to the registers. Christie had begun to speak about his experience with the similarly-porky impeached President with whom he had been working for four years :
“Donald, you know. He’s just not all there. It’s really past time he stepped down. He’s made his mistakes, he’s done untold damage, and we need clearer, smarter minds to take over and repair what he’s wrought before it’s too late.”
Barron took a sip from his lukewarm soda and pressed the governor for details.
“Well, he doesn’t even seem aware of the pandemic at all anymore. He thinks it just went away. Like his ex-wives or his herpes. I’ve tried to convince him that all three are still here and still deadly. He just turns around and poops himself and then his security detail takes him down to the shitshower under the Oval. That’s what they call it. It’s not a bunker. Anyway, between that and Trump constantly making up crazy things like Obama being a Martian and his shoes crying in his closet at night, we all know he’s well past gone. I don’t care who you are or how loyal you’re pretending to be. At some point, we need to excise the infection.”
The interview was quick and to the point, and as it ended, Christie gently took the journalist by both wrists across the table, and pulled him into his mouth as an aperitif to his already large meal. The check came by drone.