Judge Awards Sasha and Malia Obama’s Biological Father $14 Million

Samuel Kepelplorp of Bahrain, Utah was chosen by Barrack Obama and his then-boyfriend, Michael Flemingston Robbins to be the father of two children. Those two children, Malia and Sasha Obama, were to never know about their biological father.

All of that ended when Sasha turned 18, as the couple always knew it would. Now that they’re adults, the Obama girls are no longer under the protection of their parents. Kepelplorp immediately filed suit for $40 million. His attorney, Art Tubolls, Esq., told us via email:

“Sam just wants some recognition that he provided the DNA that made the Obama girls what they are. Michelle couldn’t have children, and Barack likes men. So what’s the big deal? They hid it from the people and claimed the kids were theirs. Now they’ll have to pay.”

The judge in the case agreed that it was wrong for Michael Robbins to have assumed motherhood of the two girls without ever telling their real dad he intended to change genders. The whole thing is very confusing unless you’ve ever seen that after school special in which Eve Plumb plays a promiscuous high school student who ends up pregnant.

In any case, the Obamas will now pay $14 million after a judge ruled against them. Kepelplorp says he will appeal the ruling for the dollar figure. “I deserve the full $40 million,” he said, “I’ve had to live with this for 20 years.”

Sasha and Malia weren’t available for comment. Their publicist shook her head, laughed, and walked away, but one of these days we’re gonna get a statement.

About Flagg Eagleton 27 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

12 Comments

  1. This is shameful! And totally untrue!
    I know for a fact thay young Barack – we called him ‘Barry’ – must have by now MANY offspring. At Harvard, many years ago, I briefly held a job as chef’s assistant in the cafeteria, and frequently saw him in there. He ALWAYS asked for Fried Chicken for lunch, and as he gazed into my eyes, I could not help but give him an extra thigh. (Of Chicken, I mean)
    He asked me for picture of myself (the more revealing the better).
    ‘Why?’, I asked.
    Well it was for his private fantasies at the sperm bank! He donated regularly there,and (blush) used MY picture to ahh.. ‘encourage’ his ejaculation. Now, there many, many young children (obvoiusly of a somewhat darker complexion) running around Cambridge and Boston who are, yes- descended from him! Soon they will take up cudgel and FREE America from this Trumpian tyranny!
    I would stayed at Harvard longer and.. yes, possibly even married him!
    But then that devious “Michelle” woman saw me one day giving Barry an extra helping of “chitlins” during the Black History festivities, and obviously realized I was competition. So she had the Cafeteria manager fire me!
    Luckily I had arranged to became a hairdresser in the the Dear Leader’s DPRK. And so- the rest s history.
    Americans! You are so sick and prejudiced with your “Black- White” silliness! It is tearing your fine nation apart! Your only salvation may well be these hundreds of young Baracks that will soon assume power and give you a better Obamacare and a truly socialist state.
    GOD BLESS AMERICA!

      • Barf? Well I certainly hope it wasn’t in bed, as you were carefully studying those pictures of naked young boys that you keep under your mattress.
        Surprised that I know about these? Well, you mother told me about them at our weekly AA meeting.
        She thought it was cute: “My little Patriot1 seems to becoming a BIG patriot!”

  2. A mall addition I published on https://www.energymuse.com/
    Advice on crystal healing. But I suspect they may have blocked my truths.
    …..
    REPLY —
    Thank you dear lady! Another important use for some of these crystals is to help a woman during menopause!
    They can be inserted in your “womanly place” (some folks call it V—INA), but like that governor of Ohio (or is it Minnesota?), I am not that crass.
    I discovered this one day several years ago when, as I was expounding on the power of crystals at an AA meeting, some disturbed elderly alcoholic snarled at me “LADY, shove ’em up yer snatch!”
    They threw him out, but I then wondered “why not?” And so, the experiment began.
    I can only say IT WORKS! And for post-menopausal women, they do indeed heighten the orgasmic experience!
    As for that crude fellow at the AA meeting, I hope he died drunk in the gutter. Me? The crystals have helped reduced my craving for Sorbanie and Gitane cigarettes. It’s a WIN-WIN!

  3. Lady…. listen up… yes I’m from Utah. Lived there 40+ years. And yes, I’m born from mormon pioneers! (Have no idea what that has to do with the facts here) All I was saying, is there is No, Bahrain, Utah. If you can find it, please, let us know.

  4. Well congratulations on knowing the towns of Utah!
    But did you know that there is a town called “Utuoia” In Bahrain? How do I know this? Because many of the crystals marketed at https://www.energymuse.com/ are mined in Bahrain, by poor Sudanese! Virtually slave labour!
    Further- have you been in the temple in Salt Lake City? I presume so.
    Well, off to the left there is a small market that SELLS these crystals, and advertises them as being blessed by Joseph Smith!
    SHAME! They are mined by African Slaves! What’s worse, the Bahranian Moslem Imams also smelt and cast “silver plates” to be sold later to gullible Mormon tourists visiting there.
    But you should now check who the Obama girls’ father REALLY is! It isn’t that loser above!

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