As the United States prepares to lockdown once again after “phase one” of the pandemic response is shown to have been less and less successful, state governors have begun to step up precautions that they feel are necessary to save the lives of their constituents. Governor Whitmer of Michigan in particular, has taken flak for her mandatory mask rule which carries with it a possible $500 fine for disobedience. Now, more leaders have decided to follow her example, this time going after “open-carry” firearm statutes, using the same reasoning : “the interest of public safety.”
The surprising wrinkle to the story are the five governors that are pushing these new rules, all red-state republicans normally loyal to the impeached President Donald Trump. The states of Kentucky, Mississippi, Florida, West Alabama, and the Mormon Collective of Utah all intend to “temporarily” ban the carrying of firearms in public until the pandemic reaches the third phase of preparedness. Patriots may remember that phase three of the Marvel movies led to the deaths of several Avengers, not including Idris Elba.
Florida’s Lieutenant Governor under Ron DeSantis, Joe Barron, related why these laws will be crucial for citizen’s survival during this crisis.
“We have enough to worry about because, believe it or not, there are still absolute morons out there who think the virus is some kind of fake conspiracy against Trump somehow. These idiots who want to cry about how wearing a paper mask ‘hurts’ them and their liberty somehow have no problem lugging a rifle over their shoulder on a strap to buy Corn Nuts at the local Piggly Wiggly. It’s not just pussy-stupid, it’s become unacceptable. One of these dumb piss-stains is going to open fire at some point and we have enough people in hospitals. So it’s a good idea to nip this in the bud now.”
The edict has many scholors of Hard Knocks University asking : “But wait - isn’t open carry a right guaranteed in the constitution and not a so-called privilege?” The answer, according to anyone who can read, is “no.” No, it’s not. We haven’t even managed to not fuck up the “well-regulated militia” part.