Grand Jury Approves Kyle Rittenhouse’s $400 Million Lawsuit Against The View

A federal grand jury has cleared the way for Kyle Rittenhouse to file a $400 million lawsuit against ABC’s The View. According to sources inside the closed chamber, the jury came back on this case in under 24 hours.

“This grand jury has been in session for nearly four months, said federal prosecutor, Joe Barron, “They’ve never come back that quickly.” The jury in question was chosen by a panel of federal magistrates to perform the task of habeas corpus for civil matters arising in law and equity.

With the case approved, Rittenhouse can now file suit in any federal courthouse in America. His lawyer, Art Tubolls, says they’ll probably choose Kyle’s hometown on Kenosha. “He doesn’t really live there, “said Tubolls, “but he visits a lot, and he feels like it’s home. Especially now that there’s a special connection.”

Whoopi Goldberg responded to the news live on the View by saying “I’m not concerned with that little turd or his tiny peen problems. I have a show to do.”

That show may not be so easy to do when the entire production budget goes to Rittenhouse. Our economists say the show could maybe stand to lose $100 million, but $400 million would make it not worth doing.

“It’s a zero-sum game,” said Jack, the guy with the mini-fridge, “I don’t actually know what that means.”

It’s ok, Jack. Neither do we. God bless America.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 171 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.