Pence Intern Sick of Being Piece of Eye Candy

It’s a tough job to be a White House intern, especially if you’re 20-year old Howie Feltersnatch, intern and personal assistant to Vice President Mike Pence.  Feltersnatch, a grad student at the University of Texas, claims that he’s treated as “eye candy” and “pawed like a piece of meat” in his daily life.  He sat down with a reporter from the Washington Daily Kanker for an exclusive interview :

“He (Pence) will call me into his office at random.  On the floor, there’ll be a spilled cup of pens and pencils.  This happens every single day.  He says : ‘Howie, be a peach and pick those up for me.  I’m so clumsy.’  When I do, I can feel his eyes on my ass.  He makes little moaning sounds.  Once he whispered : ‘Scrumptious.’  I actually heard the word.”

“One time he told me that there was an outbreak of banana ticks going around, and that i’d have to take my clothes off so he could check for them.  It was pretty uncomfortable.  Afterwards, i found out there’s no such thing as a ‘banana tick.’  I googled it.  Another time, he scheduled a ‘mandatory meeting’ in his office after lunch.  When I came in, he was dressed like a cowboy.  There was a pogo stick in one hand, and a bucket of honey-mustard in the other.  He had that Erasure album playing, the one where they cover Abba songs.  Man, I’ve never been so scared in my life.  I don’t know how all those things were gonna be put together.  But I didn’t want to find out.  I booked the hell out of there.  I could hear him yelling : ‘Daddy needs a fingerboy!   Daddy needs a fingerboy!’ all the way down the hall.”

Feltersnatch went on to detail a trip to a “political conference” that actually ended up being a convention for Cher impersonators, as well as numerous instances of telephone calls late at night where the Vice President would simply list the names of different types of sausage in a child-like voice.

“Seriously, I’ve had enough,” Feltersnatch sighed.  “I’d rather just go back to my old job with Kevin Spacey.”