Conservative talk show veteran and recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom Mayford Stubbs, aka “Rush Limbaugh”, was placed under arrest outside of his home in Clayton, Missouri yesterday after police followed leads from a massive methamphetamine distribution ring that lead to his participation. A cursory search of his home, conducted under warrant, turned up over thirty-five pounds of the illicit substance.
Authorities say Limbaugh had been a suspect of “extreme interest” for over a year while the sting was being planned. The broadcaster has had run-ins with substance abuse and attempted solicitation previously, as well as a lengthy record of public exposure, fraud, and bestiality regarding a series of sexual assaults on a neighbor’s labradoodle. If this arrest results in a guilty verdict, the bountiful blowhard could be facing between ten and twenty-five years in prison and the cancellation of his nationwide program.
Arresting Officer JoeBarron of the department’s Drug and Saturated Fats unit told Missouri’s WKLT news the details.
“Several suspects at a nearby warehouse full of the contraband fingered Limbaugh as a major buyer of methamphetamine as well as an importer of custom-made Michelle Obama sex dolls. According to testimony, Mr. Limbaugh enjoyed acting out fantasies on the plastic simulacrum while high on the substance, many times, following up these sessions by publicly defecating in nearby private swimming pools and convertible automobiles. This type of behavior had been going on for several years. Our psyche department suspects that his friendship with likewise perverted associate Donald Trump may have helped to encourage this behavior and contributed to his rampant usage of the illicit substance. Sometimes you can tell a lot about a shitty person by the shitty people he hangs out with.”
Limbaugh’s wife Murgatroid and his family are asking for help through a gofundme in order to raise bail and legal defense funding, even though the multi-millionaire has plenty of blood money thanks to the dumbletwats and gullible morons he blathers to on a daily basis. However, their thinking is that If they were dumb enough to buy his merchandise, they’ll be dumb enough to keep him in, at the very least, a gold-encrusted ankle monitor.