AOC Bill Gives Food Stamps to Drivers Over 70 Who Quit Driving

In Japan, the government convinced Ramen noodle houses and distributors of other foods to offer discounts to drivers over the age of 70 if they would turn in their driver’s licenses.  They had found that statistically, the most accidents and deaths vehicularly, were caused by that elderly age group.

New York’s Congressional Representitive Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently announced that she’s taking a similar tactic, penning bill 4586, nicknamed the “Grandpa Crashy” law, which would extend discounted welfare and food-coverage benefits to drivers over the age of 70 who voluntarily surrender their licenses to operate a motor vehicle.  Some estimate that such a law would save nearly 500,000 lives a year.

Sandy Batt, Director of Oldsmobile Inc., agrees with the legislative plan, noting that a “carrot and stick” approach to stubborn and half-blind, half-demented drivers may be a perfect solution.

“We’ve all been there with these retired fossils, am I right?  I mean, a good percentage of them in their Cabriolets and Saturn Ions drive like 30 miles per hour on the highway.  Ninety percent of the time, when you have to get somewhere, you end up behind some shaky-fingered Betty White with a Trump bumper sticker squinting through her coke bottle lenses to keep off the sidewalk.  They’re just unsafe drivers, but they don’t want to hear it.  Just like when you show grandpa every time Trump is an incompetent douchetard and he cackles ‘Fake News!’ and then soils his diaper.  It’s time to stop putting up with it.  Plus, it’s nice because they’ll get coupons to buy split pea soup and mac and cheese.  Save lives, improve traffic, feed the feebs.  AOC nailed this one.”

The Bite-Sized Barkeep’s bill is already getting positive responses from her fellow lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, and stands a good chance of passing through both houses.  It looks like the Democrats are about to put yet another feather in their “saving American lives” cap, even while we have a President who spreads violence and death.