Dr. Phil to ‘Deprogram Trump Cultists’ All Next Week

WHAT???

"Phil?"

Dr. Phil McGraw is one of the most popular and successful daytime television hosts in history.  His show often features families in need of help in many ways, including psychological.  To that end, the sensible shrink has decided to use his program to treat people he calls : “victims of the Trump cult” for the entirety of next week.

The week following will deal with why people pretend to like John Legend. If that IS his real name.

Conducting our interview in safe isolation from the President’s plague over Skype from his thirty million dollar home in Joe Barron Hills, California, McGraw seems confident in his ability to help the  brainwashed blumpkins he feels have purposely stupified themselves in order to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit the handicapped President’s incompetence.

“These people,” he intones with his familiar southern drawl, “Need a lot of help to escape this toxic mindset that they’ve forced on themselves.  When their cult leader fails, and without fail, they all eventually do, they will remain lost to reality and dangerously psychotic.”

I ask him to elaborate while on the screen he off-handedly strokes the for of a stuffed beaver on his desk, a reminder of his ex-wife.

“What I mean is, we’ve watched these people twist logic and critical thinking into a pretzel for four years, defending someone who botched an pandemic he had every tool to work with.  We’ve watched them believe things he says that are downright impossible.  Then there’s the ‘Q’ mental deficients, and the current climate where they now excuse and vilify a murderer.  A murderer, that they’ve seen with their own eyes.  We cannot continue to abide by these people.  I intend to treat them and to show others how.”

As an added bonus, any trumpers who are deemed untreatable will be human centipeded and released into the wild.

The doctor intends to use the coming week of shows to address victims of the cult in self-contained one-hour episodes.  Producers already confide that if the segments prove popular, more weeks of helping the Trump-damaged are to come.