Clinton Fails to Appear on First Day of Federal Hearings


Sandy Batt is angry.  The middle-aged restaurant manager and mother of four was selected via jury duty rolls to serve on the panel of decision makers in Washington D.C. for the long-awaited federal hearings pertaining to the crimes of Hillary Clinton.  The former First Lady and Secretary of State was a no-show.

Mentally handicapped pundit Micheal Savage has already invented a conspiracy theory about the absence that centers around meatballs and his pussified dog.

As attorney general Bill Barr gnashed his teeth and defecated loudly all over the bench, Batt fumed, pondering all the missed opportunities she had been unable to address at her job after being denied a stay of her duty because she already used up her three deferrals for the year.  She described the state of the Olive Garden location where she is employed to a reporter from the Ohio Queefgas Weekly.

“I don’t know if anyone knows this, but the Olive Garden used to be owned by the Purina corporation.  That’s right, the dog food people.  We still have a storeroom full of checkered boxes of shit I’m supposed to be having that stoner busboy Steve clean out, but I know he’s blowing it off right now.  The kid comes to work late all the time and pops wheelies on his skateboard in the dining room before we open.  I’ve got a prep cook who never makes enough spaghetti because his parole officer won’t let him spend more than ten minutes with boiling water.  That’s court ordered, and I didn’t ask why.  Two waitresses called in sick, and I know it’s because Forever 21 is having a sale on stretchy pants.  I need to be there.  Calvin is the assistant manager, and he’s only employed because I owe his dad a favor.  Calvin couldn’t find his ass if it had a florescent label on it.”

Hostess Shaniqua Henderson has spent most of her shift hiding in the office drinking the dregs from the bottoms of discarded liquor bottles.

Seven guests have already reported mangled and soggy baskets of breadsticks at the eatery, and one elderly woman collapsed out of a corner booth after trying to pet a dog at a nearby table that was actually a carpet stain.

This is yet another example of how Clinton’s dispassionate attitude towards authority and the rule of law can affect ordinary Americans.  For Sandy Batt, it makes a bad day into a crisis.


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