It looks like there won’t be much news coming of Congress’s little Strawberry Shortcake, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the near future. She has been banned from the halls of the institution for at least a month due to a particularly nasty and infectious strain of Chicken Pocks.
A frustrated Cortez has tried to appeal her exile, but even Nancy Pelosi, her mother-figure and harridan hero all wrapped up in one won’t step into the same room with her. Congresswoman Omar told aides that she believes her fellow Squad mate has been : “cursed by Allah to humble her nature.”
The infection is thought to have spread from the congresswoman’s boyfriend, Starbucks barista Howard Plimpkin, 22, who is working his way through N.Y.U. for a degree in Animal Husbandry. Cortez and Plimpkin have been regularly seen together around the town at local dance clubs, hookah bars, and revitalization salons, and made number 33 on People Magazine’s 100 Hot Couples list this year. Plimpkin’s condition is unknown, since he has not responded to requests for interviews, but it is known that Shiela had to cover his shift at the register last week even though she had wanted the day off to have her eyebrows purpled.
President Trump has been uncharacteristically silent on the subject, but is expected to tweet something equally hilarious and misogynistic within a few days, perhaps to inform her that she’s instantly dropped from an eight to a three. Good luck and get well soon, half pint!