Fighting the good fight for former President Trump has resulted in cold comforter for MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell. According to spokespeople for the businessman and his eider empire, the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed against him by Dominion voting systems has resulted in the mustachioed Machiavelli declaring Bedruptcy under chapter eleven thermal protection laws.
Sources inside the linen landscape relate that the pillionaire’s legal team is pessimistic about the chances of putting the stuffing back in the head ravioli, so to speak, and have advised a blanket policy of surrender.
“We still believe in you, fat Bronco Billy!”
Legal expert Joe Barron, of Queef, Blumpkin, and Barron, says that Lindell is just going to have to run for coverlet and cotton to the idea of being an ordinary crackhead once again.
“What I’d suggest for Mr. Lindell right now is to put away the sewing machine and pull that crackpipe back out. I know that sounds a bit like accepting the cold drool spot on the bunk, but if you’ve been good at exactly two things your entire life, and you lose one, you might as well fall back to old faithful.”
The lawyer described the buff fluff-muffin magnate as “down”, but reminded the public that the situation was created by the victim himself.
“The guy went on and on and on about nonsense that everyone knew was pure ridiculous homosexual fantasy with regard to Donald Trump. Now he has to pay for being willfully stupid enough to nail his own dick to the headboard on tv and the internet.”
“I can fix it. Grab me a pair of pliers, a pack of gum, and some Zima.”
Executives at Dominion have released a brief statement to the press, describing the news as “delightful”, and revealing plans to buy the pillow manufacturing operation off at a steal and convert it into factories producing medical machinery for Planned Parenthood.
It’s sad when a star falls. But for Mike Lindell, hopefully, there’s a silver mattress somewhere down there to catch him. Even if it is beneath a highway overpass and filthy with crack burns.
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