Sharpton Wants to Test All Police for Racism

Political activist and civil rights icon the Reverend Al Sharpton made his presence felt in Minnesota this last week, showing up in the center of the ongoing protest movement against the constant use of violence by police against unarmed African American victims.  The bullhorn-touting leader called the terrible death of George Floyd: “Another soldier fallen in the war against evil cops”, and made his way directly to the city’s eighth precinct, where he demanded that all police be “tested for racism” before they’re allowed on the streets.

Although his remarks were greeted with cheers, hallelujahs, and amens, some Fox News based Caucasians confined to their private tea rooms for safety wondered what exactly “test” the gentleman of ebony complexion was referring to.  Joe Barron, Director of the Don Henley Institute for White Security found the test Sharpton is referring to, a sixteen-page list of questions followed by some suggestions.  A sample of the queries from the list:

- Who is the President of the United States? Who is the President of Djibouti?  Oh, knew the WHITE one, didn’t you?

- Which movie has better celebrity breasts?  “Trading Places” or “Swordfish”?

- Who would you be less likely to allow to date your daughter?  Jeffrey Dahmer, or Flava Flav?

- You are arresting an unarmed man.  If he is white, which fast food hamburger will you buy him on the way to his temporary holding cell? If he is black, which minor body part of yours will you lightly scratch to prove there was a “struggle for your weapon”?

- You must deputize one television cop.  Will it be Micheal Chiklis or Ice-T?

- Is there a difference between “grape drink” and “grape drank”?  Explain in a way that would be safe to Mark Zuckerberg.

- Without naming a President, write 5 words describing the nation of Kenya.

- Which is a bigger sexual “turn on”?  Your favorite pornographic video, or drawing your firearm while viewing “What’s Happening”?

Suggestions following the quiz pertain to such activities as having Police Chiefs monitor mayonnaise usage in precinct break rooms and having standard riot gear replaced with “Frankie Say Relax” T-shirts and pajama bottoms.  Perhaps, the boisterous spokesman believes, we can all get through this crisis as brothers.