Rittenhouse Home Destroyed By Suspicious Fire


It’s a windy evening in Queefnado, Wisconsin.  The smell of burnt wood and sulpherous timber reigns here tonight, and the cops trample slipshod across a faded green and brown lawn.  A single melted basketball hoop smokes furtively from the faded driveway.

“Did you see the way that Kellyanne poster went up in his room? AH HA HA HA HA HA!”

This was 300 Douchenozzle street until this particular evening when neighbors noticed flames licking at the windows of the house and gleefully called 9-11 after waiting a respectful two hours.  The residents of the property, Kyle Rittenhouse, his mother Giganta, and his father Adolf were fortunately away at the time of the blaze, attending a festival of genital mutilation.

Neighbor Sandy Batt told the police that she had seen “suspicious people” lurking around the house earlier in the day.

“I seen about eight or nine people walkin’ round.  Some of em were wearing Antifa uniforms.  Some of them had on clown outfits and scuba flippers.  It didn’t make much sense.  But I’d bet my collection of Quantum Leap DVD’s that they started that fire.”

Police, having arrived somewhat late due to a huge hometown buffet special and a “The Wire” watch party have little to go on, despite witness statements.  CSI investigators do believe the fire started in the coarse of arson, after finding remnants of shredded “Trump” campaign flags and empty bottles of paint thinner.

“It looks like someone wanted to have a little fun on the Rittenhouse’s behalf,” stated head inspector Joeseph LaForm.  “Some funny little f*cking f*ckers lit the place up like Christmas come early.  It must have been really sweet.”

The family is already on the way back to speak with police, who have already barricaded roads with roadblocks and set up snipers strictly for self defense.  Fox News’s Tucker Carlson has already had four orgasms with the news coming in, and has balanced himself atop Laura Ingraham’s beefy iron dildo for more.

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