U.S.S. Nimitz To Be Renamed After Bill Clinton


Times change, and along with them, sometimes so do names.  The United States military knows this very well, and from time to time feels the need to recommission it’s mighty naval vessels accordingly.  The latest and greatest in this trend is the aircraft carrier USS Nimitz, which, thanks to a write-in campaign and the support of Congress, will be given a brand new refit and a brand new name to go with it : The USS William Clinton.

President Taft will be honored later this month with a weather balloon from NASA.

Formerly deployed in 1972 and officially first commissioned in 1975, the Nimitz was named for World War 2 Fleet Commander Chester “Old Salt” Nimitz, and has remained in active service in the Pacific.  The nuclear-powered and armed supercarrier cost over a billion dollars, and will cost, in modern funds, five times that to refit.  Clinton himself will appear at the ceremony and professed his great honor to Joe Barron of Warfare and Chicks magazine :

“To be bestowed this historical honor is absolutely amazing.  I’m thankful to be chosen after everything I’ve done for this country.  I mean, after all, I balanced the budget with a surplus, didn’t I?  I didn’t shut it down and get thousands sick and killed because of my incompetence like a certain morbidly obese bankrupt douchetard we all know, did I?  Back in my day, being the President wasn’t a job we let aging gullible shit-for-brains morons decide to make into a clusterfuck by worshipping a gigantic stank loser.  I mean Trump, or course, if y’all didn’t get that.  It’s certainly better to have my name on the thing than his.  Putin might come take it for joyrides, otherwise.  Am I right?”

“I have already taken Air Force jet plane out for drinking trip with Donald’s wife and her plastic breasts. I give them a 6.”

One additional detail of the carrier and it’s crew, completely unprecedented in all of historical context, is that Trump, specifically named in the ship’s charter paperwork, will have absolutely no command over it.  This addition was made with blessings of both the Clinton’s and the Navy.

And so, it is with great patriotic splendor that we welcome the USS Clinton into the sluiceways of the theater and the pantheon of American greatness.  May she ever sail to glory.

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