John Kerry To Run West Point Academy

WEAK.

The most honorable and prestigious public military school in the history of the United States is now in the hands of Lieutenant John Kerry.

Could be worse…

Kerry served honorably during the Vietnam conflict, garnering both a bronze and silver star as well as three purple hearts.  Of course, if he had really been some kind of big hero, he would have nabbed the gold star instead of coming in second and third.  Some people like war heroes who come in first.

The former secretary of state, senator, and Presidential candidate, a list of accolades that to no one’s surprise mirrors Hillary Clinton’s, will soon be the Big Man on Caampus at West Point, having been appointed to the position by none other than seven star General Sanders Batt.  Batt is known for his legendary storming of the beaches at the Jersey Shore in 1992, when Snapple employees appeared briefly to hand out free samples of new flavor “Lemon-Snow Crab”, which turned out to be massively unpopular.

Also unpopular : Willy Wonka’s “Dizzy Diarrhea” bars. It was either the name or the unpasteurized milk.

The Academy, although neither to the extreme West, nor capped with any actual points, is well-known for the training and education of new generations of military recruits, including quite a few legendary and super famous ones whom I won’t name here.  Oh, all right, Captain Caveman and General Motors.  There’s two.  They had a child together, who rose to the rank of Corporal Punishment.

Many conservatives are upset to have Kerry running a school that may determine the actions and attitudes of the future defenders of America.  They still believe all the idiotic fake propaganda stories that were released during his Presidential run, even though all of them have been debunked easily.  But it’s not like the country’s collection of drooling trumptwats and fart-scented teabaggers are exactly rocket scientists.  They’ll just have to accept that it’ll be John Kerry in charge of an entire campus of young warriors dressed like the guitarist from AC/DC.