Jury Finds Rittenhouse Guilty

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  The verdict in the Kyle Rittenhouse murder trial.  Will the bullet-blasting barborous baby get time, or will he fly the coop like a pooped fruit loop?

The jury, consisting of nine civilized white men and three beautiful alabaster women deliberated for a mere thirty-five minutes before handing the verdict to judge Bruce Schroeder, a former heavyweight champion skee-baller in a small manilla envelope labelled : “Murder.”

As the foreman, Joe Barron, read the words: “We, the jury, find the defendant, Kyle Orville Rittenhouse, guilty on all charges”, the courtroom erupted into a “party-like” atmosphere because American justice had finally worked.  A murderer had been tasked with the just consequences of his crime.

The news hit conservatives on the internet very roughly, as most of them had already been convinced that Rittenhouse would walk free, thanks to his brilliant defense team and their tactic of using the “I was just minding my own business” defense.  Several conservative media voices made statements to the verdict with displeasure.

“This is a twisting of justice.  I hope they now impeach that judge, who is now suddenly our enemy for doing his job.” - Tucker Carlson, FOX.

“Does anyone know if Kyle has a girlfriend, and if so, will she be ready to date soon?” - Matt Goetz.

“This is disgusting, just disgusting, folks.  He was a good man, that Kylie.  Good man.  You know, he’d never steal an election, people.  Never.  I’m not saying he did.  But if be did, he’d deserve this verdict.” - Donald Trump.

“What happened again?” - Marjorie Taylor Greene.

The sentencing phase of Rittenhouse’s trial will take place within six weeks at the same location, and will be televised for everyone’s pleasure.  Technicians are already wiping down the electric chair and polishing all the necessary restraints.  It’s gonna be a blast!