We’ve all been there - you’re dialing your local electric company on your landline phone to ask a question about the 12-cent “service fee” that you suspect is a mistake. The automated computer voice system immediately asks you to push “1” for “English.” In America.
Now, Congess’s littlest Latina Kachina doll has decided that her native Spanish should be officially declared the second language of the United States. While statistics show that Spanish is indeed the second-most spoken tongue, it continuously feels foreign and confusing to most conservatives and racist Trump supporters, who feel that it’s some kind of “invasion”. Many believe that the Spanish-speakers in public are secretly talking about them behind their backs, when in reality, nearly 87% of the chatter has been proven to involve soccer. Professor Joe Barron of the Sandra Batt Institute For Cacahuates in Chile Verde, Mexico explained the controversy behind this bill :
“The old, white, conservative Trump-supporter is used to being racist. As they got older, most of their family members and acquaintances wrote off their off-color jokes and comments to their age. But as boomers enjoy a longer span of life thanks to modern medicine and treatment, they continue to live. And their prejudices become less and less cute, to the point where they hired one of their own as President. And that affects all of us, the normal people. Latinos are part of our culture. One large complaint from the teabagging contingent is tht they don’t ‘assimilate’ by ‘learning English’, which is a myth. They do. They simply feel more comfortable using both languages when desired. This bill celebrates that. Plus, AOC is insanely hot.”
The bill is on course to clear Congress by the end of next week, where it will most likely sit on Mitch McConnell’s desk gathering dust like more than 300 bills have so far, with more than 200 of them being bi-partisian - aiding veteran’s benfits and low-income children. But, that’s what happens when Grandpa Archie Bunker isn’t funny anymore and wobbles his way to a voting booth.