Supreme Court Rules - National Crisis To Postpone Election


It looks like President Donald Trump is going to be sticking around for a little bit longer.

“OMIGOD, I totally need every Tuesday and Thursday off for my nail art appointments! I thought this was a temp job!”

In an historic 5-4 decision this weekend, the Supreme Court has ruled that the 2020 election will be necessarily postponed until “further notice” due to the current state of national emergency caused by the rampant pandemic.  Foreperson spokesman for the court, Brett Kavanaugh, gave a brief statement to the Washington Queefer’sSandy Batt before excusing himself to molest a woman in a nearby room:

“Just like the FDR, who served several terms because of the crisis of the second World War, we are now that same nation that needs constant leadership throughout the current pandemic event.  An election isn’t all that much anyway to American democracy.  As a Republican, it’s essential that we win at any cost.  Some will call it ‘cheating’, and they’ll be right.  But it’s what we do.  How else would you explain how we get elected despite shitting all over the constitution at any chance we get?  Someone get me drunk, fast.”

“Remember our deal, Brett. I really hope you enjoy lava enemas.”

Already, protests have broken out across the country, surprisingly, full of incredibly moronic trumptards STILL not satisfied with absolute fascism, many of them demanding that the impeached President urinate in their mouths or officially declare himself emperor.  It’s a sobering lesson that for Trump’s supporters, there is no “too far.”

In a related story, television personality and Thai ladybug enthusiast Sean Hannity was hospitalized after the announcement, reportedly due to an orgasm-induced stroke.  The Fox host will be temporarily replaced with an animatronic Ted Bundy for the next two weeks, in order to serve the base needs of the largely dust-covered male teabagged audience.  Hannity’s family has requested that cards and flowers be rubbed against the urinals in a public gas station restroom before sent because they can’t wait to get rid of him


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