Pope Francis : ‘Biden Brought God Back to America’


His eminence Pope Francis gave a stirring and optimistic speech last weekend from the veranda of the Vatican palace in Rome, beaming with words of praise for American President Joe Biden.  Thousands cheered from the square below as the pontiff spread his arms wide and delivered a sermon lasting over an hour.

“I give thanks to our Lord above that our brothers and sisters in America have thrown off the chains of the unholy, Trump, and have embraced a man who is bringing the love of God, Joe Biden, back to that great nation.

For too long, we have watched a heartless, brainless demon of misery and shit as he pretended to be Christian, as he pretended to lead, as he pretended to shepherd.  Thank God Donald Trump was defeated in his ignorance and greed and replaced with a man of intelligence and soul.”

Oh no, not that asshole. He’s a man of Doucheybutter and Dickjelly.

The holy leader, voice, and teacher of millions of Catholics world wide has long been a critic of the disgraced former President Trump, alternately calling his policies “cruel and disgusting”, and several times referring to him as “The great deceiver and messenger of the Beast.”

Cardinal Joe Barron of the Vatican’s Holy See Men told press members that Francis has been very impressed with Biden’s changes to policy and is encouraged that the United States will be improved greatly under his stewardship.

“To be fair, it isn’t very difficult to do better than Donald Trump.  I mean, he turned every single thing he touched to shit.  Moving the Israeli capital to Jerusalem in order to pander to the Jewish population isn’t enough to erase the works of a hideous soul. At his best, he got rid of a few vape flavors.  Wow.  Way to go, plaguemaster general.”

He did manage to incite a few dozen Weight Watchers clubs to get some steps in at the Capitol.

President Biden has been made privy to the flattering remarks from the pontiff, and has ordered a lovely fruit and cheese basket sent to the Pope from his Amazon Prime account.

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