Florida police acted quickly thanks to secret service agents assigned to former President and Mrs. Trump on Thursday, to apprehend and arrest a twenty-five year old self-proclaimed anti-fascist “activist” after he was caught red-handed by the guard and security cameras defacing Melania’s personal limousine.
Luckily, Mrs. Trump was safe entertaining a houseguest at the time of the horrifying event.
The suspect is being charged with trespassing, destruction of private property, and public urination. Authorities confided that the suspect and his family wished to keep their names private until a later time, but representitives of Fox News who don’t give a shit about journalistic integrity or scruples have identified the youth as Ocala resident Joe Barron, whose social security number is 1226842900.
Barron has so far admitted to having a Commander title in the Antifa organization, granted to him by the nebulous Antifa leader known only as : “Professor Midnight Snapple.” The sinister nickname comes from a joke about his very name causing fascists and Trump supporters to piss in their adult diapers.
Clete Torris of the Gainesville Police department described the damage and the circumstances surrounding the capture of this deadly fiend.
“We were notified near ten in the morning by secret service agents of an intruder on the premises known as the condo that the former disgraced President and his concubine reside in. We responded and caught the suspect with several cans of spray paint, a sledgehammer, a Nintendo Gameboy device with ‘Dr. Mario’ inserted, and a syringe full of marijuana. We identified him through dental records as an Antifa member with the gang name ‘Alex’. He has been remanded into custody and awaits a court date. He is unharmed, due to his status as Caucasian.”
Armed Florida militiamen have volunteered to henceforth defend the vehicle with their lives.
As actual President Joe Biden strives to bridge the divided country and bring about a sense of “unity”, bumps in the road will tend to appear as white thugs like this trickle out. Let’s pray for these sheeple to finally grow up.
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