Hillary Clinton’s personal doctor is raising alarm bells this weekend, and it doesn’t have anything to do with emails or Benghazi. According to Dr. Sandra Batt of the Arkansas University Medical Center and Haberdashery, Clinton may be in seriously critical condition by March, and desperately requires a Cardio-switcher-plopectomy, or in layman’s terms, heart transplant, as early as April to remain alive.
In an incident not well-covered on the mainstream media, Mrs. Clinton suffered a disturbing series of episodes during the late part of last year, including collapsing while trying to climb the steps of her granddaughter’s Barbie Dream House in October, followed by several incidents of simply erupting into blue flames while windsurfing in Key Largo. The doctor quickly made a grim prognosis.
“Mrs. Clinton suffers from a condition known as ‘Myo-cardial touring-syndrome’, which is beginning to metastasize into later stages. What happens is that the heart has become complacent and overly bored with it’s position inside the body, and begins sliding around to other spots. During her last examination, it was located in her left calf, and has since made it’s way behind her right shoulder. We have her stabilized now, but the situation needs to be addressed as soon as possible, or it’s curtains. Breezy, gently wafting curtains.”
So far, the former First lady’s ticker is being kept in place by an Ipod playing calming music into her body through a vaginally-swallowed Bluetooth speaker shaped like baby Yoda. Artists include Enya, Sting, and anything by Metallica after the Black Album. In other words, puss music.
Mrs. Clinton will be awaiting the first available donor and has contacted a group of mercenaries that she regularly employs for her ordinary death-dealing needs. If a new heart isn’t found quickly to be anchored in its place to replace her wandering and shriveled old pumper, this may be her last hurrah. Bill Clinton has been standing by, ready to sadly change his Facebook relationship status at any moment.