Pence Resigns, Leaves VP Office Vacant


After the events of the previous week, and despite calls from Congress and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to step down and resign immediately or risk a second impeachment, outgoing President Trump has vehemently stood his ground, leaving the White House in a shaky state of disrepair.

It seems that one figure in the mix, former Vice President Mike Pence has seen the writing on the wall, and has tendered his official resignation as of this morning, leaving the position unfilled for the remainder of his term.

First Lady Melania Trump is also unfilled, but intends to hit up a Slovenian YMCA by next week.

Deputy VP Sanders Batt has turned down calls to fill in for the remaining days, and has himself resigned, citing long-standing disagreement with the current administration, not unlike dozens of other fleeing staffers.

Insiders have likened the mass evacuation of White House figures this week to “rats leaving a sinking ship steered by a delusional fat maniac.”

Pence recorded a brief statement on a Zune device left on his office chair, explaining his choice and serving as a bleak warning to others about the dangers of being a flunkie.

“I have decided the time is right to step down before I am caught up in Mr. Trump’s circus of mental illness and his blatant disregard for American rule of law.  I had no idea what I’d gotten into in the first place, serving as second banana to his deranged minstrations and his batshit insane disciples.  I am leaving without informing anyone of my destination, and will remain in an undisclosed location for the safety of myself and my family.  Mostly myself.  Don’t try to find me.  May God forgive us all for aiding and abetting the criminal Donald J. Trump.”

This photo recalls happier times at Pence’s Junior Prom.

Transition team members for incoming Vice President Kamala Harris are already redesigning initial areas of the VP wing, and fumigation squads are currently working on inner-office areas.

Photos, papers, and sexual aids left by the departing albino will be thrown into the garbage.

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