They’re four words we thought we’d heard more than enough of during the Trump years : “Foreign election inter ference.”
Now, thanks to evidence turned up by the keen eyes and hands of the sentinels doing their heroic follow-up duty in the state of Arizona, we know that it wasn’t “Russia Russia Russia” we needed to worry about sticking communist sickles into our business – It was the other communists, the BFF’s of current maybe-President Joe Biden, the Chinese.
This investigation has received solid inside information from Sandy Batt, ballot-auditor and professional ghostbuster today that confirms that nearly every ballot registered and submitted in the state of Arizona was printed on paper made in the nation of China and shipped innocently to us here, in the freedom capitol of the universe, the United States.
Batt explained her research exhaustedly during a Bigfoot hunting expedition later in the day.
“Initially, we kept coming up with the same results, that Biden had somehow won. I knew that couldn’t be true, because I saw a lot of Trump flags everywhere and I’m in a lot of Facebook groups that support him. Then I did my homework and found the big secret liberals don’t want you to know.”
“The number one country that paper is processed and made in? China. That’s right. China. Number one. The USA is number two, but chances are, nearly all those ballots are printed on red communist Marxist socialist traitor pulp. Sounds pretty fishy, doesn’t it? Now I know I wasn’t dreaming of Trump and involuntarily orgasming for nothing.”
The discovery, although completely meaningless, gives hope to the thousands of cult-indoctrinated boomers who hold out hope that they can still push their incompetent shyster king into the Presidency and ruin the lives of their grandchildren. Sure, they may be upping their roles as national embarrassments.
But at least now, we know that those red hats represent justice. Or astounding medical-grade dipshittesness. Likely the latter.