Kamala Harris says she’s going to shake things up in the United States Senate when she takes over as its President for the coming term.
Most Americans think the rules of the House and Senate are written in the Constitution, but that’s really not the case. When Harris takes her seat as President of the Senate, she says she has the option of throwing the rules out the window:
“The Senate rules are more like traditions. Since the GOP doesn’t seem to have any respect for our traditions, I’ll be tossing them in the shitter. No more ‘Majority Leader’ holding an entire country and its legislation hostage by refusing to call votes, schedule hearings, or listen to reason. Mitch can get bent.
“No more filibusters. Simple majority rules from now on. We gace these turds every chance possible to be civilized. They decided to cry like babies and back the orange menace, obstructing progress for over a decade.
“Their reign of terror is over.”
Aside from eliminating leadership roles in favor of taking the gavel herself, Harris is also implementing a “no free lunch” policy for Republicans. “They hate the poor so much, let them feel what it’s like to be hungry all day.”
Senators will now have to punch a time card when they get to the office, and their paycheck will be dependant on them showing up for votes. Don’t want to participate,” says Harris, “That’s ok. You’re out $11K and your vote goes to the other Senator from your state.”
Harris will also implement casual Fridays and Taco Tuesdays. Republicans will be required to wear turtlenecks and can expect to be served mayonnaise sandwiches on white bread.
Joe Biden says he’s totally behind the move and that it’s time we turned the Senate back into a governing body rather than a hangout for crusty old dudes looking for a free ride into the afterlife.
The Trump administration says it isn’t worried about the changes, since they’re planning on instituting martial law and taking the country by force sometime around January 15th.
We hope and pray that it’s true.