Bennigans Restaurants Reopen Only For Under 40 ‘Low Risk’ Guests


As the patience of the people of the United States dwindles during the pandemic lockdown, businesses are slowly starting to reopen, following the advice of *President Trump instead of hundreds of virologists and experts in the medical field.  It appears that popular chain restaurant Bennigans would like to have their infected money and eat it too.

Not a problem for legendary D.C. Comics superheroine Infectious Lass!  Not even kidding. Look it up.

Started in 1902 and named after infamous Irish date-rapist Brett Kavanaugh Bennigan, the chain is one of the topmost in popularity despite the fact that it went out of business over 15 years ago.  Their new strategy, describes CEO Joe Barron, is one of : “Cautious age-discrimination” :

“It’s mostly seniors that are targeted during this pandemic crisis.  Everyone knows this.  A lot of places like supermarkets are opening up special hours, just for them.  How us that safer?  Having a whole business chock full of doddering wrinkle zombies touching everything with their clammy granny paws?  I don’t think so.  We’re going the other way.  Carding at the door, and cutting off at 40.  Bennigans has no interest in becoming the setting for the next shitty Resident Evil game.”

“Morry, I warned you not to try to fill up on the bread.”

Although the sprawling chain boasts nearly 0 national locations, it may prove to be a model for the future, at least for a year or two down the road.  Similarly defunct chain Chili’s has expressed interest in following suit.  Is this a real-life beginning to a new Logan’s Run?  Or is it just something I thought of during Judge Judy?


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