Pelosi Shuts Down Social Security Payments for Two Months

Lately it’s apparent that our country is going through a lot of hardship and sacrifice in order to make our way as safely as possible though the current pandemic crisis.   Schools have been closed, concerts cancelled, and sources have reported that quirky millionaire Elon Musk is sprayed down six times a day by a professional detox team loaded with sanitizing soap.  Precautions are at an all time high.

Now, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has deemed it necessary to shut down the Social Security administration for at least two months starting in April, reasoning that if the elderly, who are at high risk for infection, don’t have their supplimental retirement income to spend, they will be less likely to leave their homes and therefore, less likely to become afflicted.

Head of Senior Safety at the CDC Sandy Batt agrees with the Speaker:

“It would be a safe way to keep the oldest of us in their houses and unaffected.  If their disposable income is removed, and many Trump supporters don’t really need it anyway, or so they say because they trust him to make them rich, then all the better.  Call it a forced economic quarantine, if you will.  We’ll see where we are in a couple of months.  They’ll be fine.  I think.”

With all offices closed and no payments going out, Pelosi has also suggested that the government use the 60 days of extra funding to cover green initiatives and perhaps square up a few of her outstanding bar tabs.