During yesterday’s speech in front of the White House press corps, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced that she would be eliminating several “unnecessary and wasteful” spending habits during this unique time of economic hardship. Along with ridding the budget of money to cover President Trump’s frequent golfing sojourns, ending funding aimed to provide Vice President Mike Pence with a full body shave and spa treatment weekly, and reducing to zero the stipend set aside to cover the President’s urine-enthusiast vacations to Moscow, Pelosi has seen fit to essentially cut Melania Trump off from the teat of Momma America.
As former first lady and bestselling author Michelle Obama once remarked: “The First Lady doesn’t get paid,” a truth that won’t stop most of the Trump-supporting parade of semi-intelligent barnacles from having fits about the story. One would be hard pressed to find a reason to pay Melania Trump a salary in the first place, since she’s done the absolute least amount of promotion or work since someone hired the drummer from Def Leppard to help sort mail.
The elimination of Mrs. Trump’s fictional paycheck will surely spell doom for her frequent shopping trips on Rodeo Drive and in Paris, which have already suffered after the recent state of store-closings and social distancing measures. It’s admittedly like pulling teeth to venture out for a simple Gucci purse or a common ordinary diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. One can almost feel one’s heart break for seeing Melania having to sacrifice so harshly.
After the announcement, calls rang out across the country from religious leaders to pray for the safety and satisfaction of the former prostitute’s mind, because if this brave and noble sacrifice teaches us amything at all, it’s that we are all Americans, and even the richest and most fraudulent of us can suffer for patriotism.