Fox News will Join Forces With CNN to Build a ‘Super Network’

Rupert Murdoch and Jeff Bezos have come to an agreement to merge their two news networks into one platform that will serve “all Americans.”

CNN-FOX, which will be based in Atlanta and run by “journalists,” will do away with partisan shows like Hannity and Tucker Carlson in favor of straight news all the time.

Bezos, who also owns The New York Times, says the only way to get Americans to trust the news again is to give everyone a channel that just reports the news without any slant or commentary:

“CNN and Fox will still run their regular programming independently, but they’ll form a third entity dedicated to actually telling people what’s going on.”

Rupert Murdoch, who says he really doesn’t care as long as the new network makes money, says he doesn’t really care about much anymore at all:

“I don’t really care.”

The deal is still in the works and won’t happen until after the SEC signs and some rich people make some important stock moves. Once the network is underway, viewers can expect to see videos of news as it happens, with captions instead of anchors so nobody can accuse anyone of playing politics.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said Bezos, “we’re always looking for a couple hundred mill to write off, so if it fails, whatever, but sure. Hopefully, the whole thing is great for America. Go democracy. Woohoo!”

Murdoch couldn’t be reached for comment. His secretary said he doesn’t care, and yes, she realizes “secretary” is a little bit old-fashioned.

If ever there was a great time to invest in the New York Times, now is it.