Vegetarian Athiest ‘Hero’ Caught Electrocuting Animals


A New Jersey citizen, well-known around the city as a “hero” was caught actively electrocuting small and mid-sized animals as well as paying others to do the same this week a couple of centuries or so ago.  The man, an atheist and professed vegetarian named Thomas Alva Edison, claims that slaughtering dogs, cats, and even a horse in one instance by savagely shocking them to death is an act of “protest” to bring attention to a deadly threat to humans.

The only thing deadlier? Fox and Friends’ Brian Kilmeade in a bathroom with no plunger.

Edison, who made his name inventing direct-current electricity, has for some time long ago been in direct contact with his rival, a Serbian “immigrant” named Nikola Tesla.   Tesla, who is responsible for an upgraded version of electricity known as “alternating current”, has long asserted that his process is hundreds of times more efficient than Edison’s.   His American counterpart claims that alternating current is far too dangerous for public use, and simply intends to prove this by showing the people how it can quickly cause death.

“Tesla is a lunatic.  His electricity is a danger to everyone and his minstrations to make it free by channelling it through the earth will crack our planet in half.  There is no future for A/C power, mark my words.  Stick with batteries, and you’ll be perfectly safe.”

Mr. Tesla gave a terse response to his rival:

“Crack the pla-…bitch, please.”

No charges have as of yet back in the day been filed, but our investigators have already contacted New Jersey law enforcement, who promised to keep is updated.

“Are we gonna be on ‘Cops’?”

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