In what some are calling a religiously motivated crime, a group of Sharian protesters in Dearborne, Michigan, contend they accidentally set fire to a warehouse full of pork products last evening near 8:30 p.m. Firefighters have extinguished the blaze while simultaneously holding an impromptu barbecue at the scene, raising over $5000 for children being held in refugee camps at the southern border.
Investigators say the incident began when the group, “The Sharian Society for Vegans”, started by Sherri Lewis and her puppet Lambchop, began a protest of the warehouse to raise awareness of the meat processing industry using unsafe methods and ingredients in American food. After a series of speeches and illustrations, a member of the group lit a “flaming sunflower” prop in effigy, and the fire caught onto one of the facility’s festive “bacon curtains.” No one was injured and civilians were clear of the blaze. Spokesperson Moonbeam Rainlove gave a statement to the Dearborne Daily Queefwaffle :
“Sherri Lewis started her Sharian Society to get the word out about the overprocessing of America’s food system, and how it adversely affects our health. This had nothing to do with just pork. It was purely an accident. But at least that’s a load of GMO and probably sawdust-covered death-meat off the market. Open your eyes, meat-eaters. This isn’t natural law, or God’s law. This is Sharian law. For your own good.”
This incident is the latest in a series of seven similar events in Dearborne, a city plagued with being typecast as some sort of internet boogyland. In February, a local Wendy’s outlet removed the popular “Baconator” sandwich from it’s menu after it was found to cause fatal cases of Athlete’s foot, and in May, the city council had doctor Siddiq digitally replaced in the television drama “Walking Dead” with an animated John Wayne. It’s safe to say that Dearborne is a city in turmoil.