Citing anti-discriminatory laws, America’s largest Sharia Lawfirm, Lee, Lifeson & Peart filed briefs of intention this Friday demanding that ride-sharing service Uber immediately discharge all female operators in order to comply with a strict religion-based moral code. The brief was received in California’s 9th circuit court, where it was sent to a file cabinet full of the soiled underpants of conservative teabaggers who believe Sharia law is somehow infiltrating America.
Uber spokesperson Lauren Perrine gave a statement about the fictional lawsuit from the middle of an empty movie theater featuring a “Twilight” movie marathon :
“So, we at Uber aren’t going to do any of this. First of all, any operators that we’ve had problems with at all were overwhelmingly male. We had a guy in Nebraska cover the back seat of his Honda with spikes to stop passengers from farting during trips. Another guy in Florida was apparently on methamphetamines when he tried to take a family home from an Olive Garden at 130 miles per hour to see if he could : ‘make their cheeks gravity flap like James Bond in Moonraker.’ It’s not women that are problematic. And two : there’s no ‘sharia law’ in America. We have a giant, sprawling legal system already in place. You know, teabaggers are gullible enough to support the most obvious con man in the world as the President, so it’s no surprise that you could fill a water tower with the most ridiculous Fox News kind of paranoid horsecrap and your typical MAGA-hatted gramma porkpants would roll up with a hose and a Big Gulp cup.”
The lawfirm refused to comment to media figures, and instead directed all inquiries to the information kiosk at the local mall, where all questions were answered the following three ways : “The restrooms are located in the center of the food court where their smell will be masked by the Cinnabon”, “We don’t have any idea yet what will be in the space where Payless used to be, but no, you can’t crash there for a few days”, and “We’re sorry that Spencer’s Gifts won’t give you a refund, but no one in their right mind would buy something there in the first place.”