Chelsea Clinton. Children’s book author, global health initiative spokesperson, former news correspondent, executive serving on numerous corporate boards including the Clinton Foundation. Now, her list of accolades can include jet-setting billionaire, as Forbes magazine has recently named her the 18th richest woman on the planet. Assuming the planet was an alternate Earth.
According to several experts wearing ties and carrying briefcases in my imagination, the youngest Clinton has parlayed her savings into a number of profitable investments including organic apple-marijuana farming, a frozen line of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and ownership of a company responsible for building complex Christian-head-cutter-offer machines for Fema when the time comes. Her instincts are legendary.
Mother of three children by her investment banker husband who, despite the feverish oxycontin fantasies of the tragically teabagged, is in no way related to George Soros, the businesswoman is also a frequent contributor to news magazines such as Time, Newsweek, and Highlights, and has won several prestigious awards for her work. Meanwhile, White House aides pat President Trump gently on the top of his head anytime he correctly pronounces his son Barron’s name.
Clinton moved up the list from last year’s 21st position, beating out luminaries such as Gwen Stefani, whose line of “Hollaback Girl” tinfoil lingerie proved too controversial for most of the American consumers, and Fox News personality Judge Jeanine Pirro, who spent much of her lying to old people fortune on plastic surgery which failed to make her look any less like the mother character in “Orange is the New Black” with a facially-concentrated yeast infection.
So it appears that another Clinton has joined the ranks of driving jealous conservatives into conniption fits. Let’s hope the supermarkets have stocked up on Depends.