The World Health Organization has released a comprehensive report stating that the response to the COVID 19 pandemic from the Trump administration has been “the best in the world.” According to their spokesman, Arturo Tubollini of Italy, nobody has done a better job of getting their country ready than Donald Trump.
“We use a very comprehensive system of grading a country’s response to pandemics,” said Tubollini, “and that system has found that overall, Trump wins. He has done everything in his power to maintain a standard of transparency, preparedness, and care that the rest of the countries of the world should be envious of.”
WHO President, Joe Barron, says that putting Trump at the top of the list was simple. “First, we start by separating the nations of the world into categories. 1st-World, 2nd-World, etc. Then we grade accordingly. The easiest part was determining that in the realm of pandemics, the United States definitely qualifies as 3rd-World. From there it was a no-brainer to put them on top of the list.”
Other nations on the list the US beat include Ethiopia, Guatemala, Caledonia, and Alderaan. Caledonia and Alderaan came close, but since one doesn’t exist and the other was destroyed by the Empire in 1977, the US only had Guatemala to compete with.
“It was close,” said researcher Sandy Batt, “Guatemala was almost the winner. They only lost because there isn’t an actual government to award the prize to.” Guatemala called the report “fake news.”
Congratulations to President Trump for being the very best of the best among dictators, despots, and invisible guerrilla leaders of banana republics. He certainly earned every bit of this distinction.
*The editors would like to note that while Alderaan was destroyed in 1977 here on earth, the actual planet exploded a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Our apologies for any confusion.