(By special correspondent John Thomas)
In an unprecedented development, the United States Border Patrol unveiled their latest weapon in the Trump Administration’s War on Immigration. The Freedom Force cadre of Bald Eagles will be deployed to guard our nation’s southern border against the coronavirus-carrying hordes of immigrants.
Acting Border Patrol Commandant Stephen Miller announced the deployment with his characteristic sadistic grimace, while providing the highly anticipated details of the cadre. The Bald Eagles to be deployed were selected as the most fit and aggressive survivors of the New Green Deal windmill massacres. Specially trained to use razor-sharp talons and beaks
to rake the pustulent faces of the invaders, the Bald Eagles of the Freedom Force are also deployed in mated pairs, with the subservient females equipped with Huweii 5G enabled Go-Pro videocams. The footage will be utilized for videos to be streamed on Telemundo commercial breaks for deterrence value.
The Sierra Club applauded the measure in a rare moment of unity with the nation’s Commander in Chief, Adolph Trump. Earlier leaks had indicated the deployment of a Southern Border Deterrence Force would involve Brown-Backed Desert Tortoises, which the Sierra Club had denounced on the basis of the Brown-Backed Desert Tortoise being on the endangered Species Act List. This, of course, was before Premier Trump eliminated the Endangered Species Act by executive order. Nonetheless, the Sierra Club, as the nation’s premier defender of anything rare and breathing, maintained that using the Brown-Backed Desert Tortoise as a border-spanning covert trip and fall hazard was cruel and unusual even beyond the normal and pervasive standards of Commandant Trump and Chancellor Miller.
Mexican President Nacho Padrone signaled approval of the deployment of the Freedom Force Bald Eagle cadre as well. “With the symbolic significance of the eagle on the Mexican national flag, the deployment signals a level of unity with the American government. The unity is a welcome development in these days of tariffs on groundskeeping and housekeeping staff at some of the most widely used Presidential golf resorts. Besides, since I can’t do shit with the cartels, I am gratified the Freedom Force Bald Eagles can shit on them with impunity and no concerns of upcoming elections. As a bonus, I get to stream the videos between episodes of Real Favela Housewives!”
As usual, the Democrat presidential candidates engaged in debate on whether the Freedom Force Bald Eagle cadre should be unionized, and if they would be subject to Obamacare mandates. Front-runner Bernie Sanders raised the ire of his fellow candidates by insisting that he would only vote to fund the Freedom Force Bald Eagle cadre if the student loans of they and all future fledglings would be forgiven.