Pelosi Bill Bans Police Use of Handcuffs


Remember the good old days when Sergeant Joe Friday would safely and securely take an evildoer into custody in a pair of handcuffs and utter the classic line : “Book ’em, Dan-O?”  Well, I guess Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wasn’t a fan of Starsky and Hutch, or any other patriotic American cop show, for that matter.

Like Cop Rock. Remember Cop Rock? It was like Glee, but with Cops. Pretty much gayer than peach Crocs.

The California lawmaker and third in line to the Presidency has submitted bill C-3030, known colloquially as the “Hands Off” law, which will forbid police officers from restraining suspect’s hands.  In other words, handcuffs will be as much things of the past as Adele’s career, and Jerry Falwell Jr.’s sex swing.

Joe Barron of the Society to Make Law Enforcement’s Future Like Demolition Man, says that in a modern perspective, the idea isn’t as crazy as it sounds.

“Have you ever been handcuffed?  It’s very uncomfortable.  We’re arresting these people, not acting as judge and jury to put their hands in some kind of hand jails.  With everything going on out there today, our police departments are literally just opening themselves up for abuse of authority or brutality lawsuits.  That’s probably why they’re leaning towards just shooting suspects outright and saving all the bother.  So this bill will actually save money.  And that’s what’s important.  Especially if forces get defunded completely by a Joe Biden administration and some janitor answers our 911 calls.  This might just be the right way to go - from the queen of the left.  See what I did there?  Didn’t see that coming, did you?”

I died in a chocolate river. I’m like the Chocolate Jesus.

While the bill is sure to face opposition by Republicans in the house, every bill does because Mitch McConnell is a crusty old bitch.  So Congress may need to use the services of a sympathetic veterinarian to have him sedated for the vote.

So raise your hands without fear, patriots.  You’re going to be once again free to move about the country unrestrained.

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