Like Mother Like Daughter: Passed-Out Katie Pelosi Carried Away by Protection Detail

In another episode of “why the hell are the taxpayers footing the bill,” Linda Pelosi was carried off by her handlers after downing what friends called “an immensely awesome” amount of liquor and bloogies. Heather from her psych class told our source:

“Maddie has some serious issues. When your mom is Speaker of the House and she spends more time in rehab than on the Hill, you start to wonder how anything matters. The last time I talked to her, she was having a real existential crisis. She was thinking about changing her name to Jocelyn.”

Tracy never did change her name, but she did start hanging with the wrong crowd. She earned herself a full scholarship at GWU by being Julie Pelosi. Why she would throw it all away is anyone’s guess.

Police say they were called to a scene where a young woman, described as Deborah Pelosi, was already gone, yet responsible for ruining a lot of evenings. DC Metro Police Chief and licensed street musician, Art Tubolls, released a statement:

“Nobody really knows what happened. Someone bought a round of Jaeger Bombs and all of a sudden everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Seriously. It was like 1996 in there. The good news is, reports that Fiona Pelosi was injured in the disturbance are unsubstantiated. We’re actually not even sure if it was her or one of Pelosi’s other daughters that was on the scene.”

It gets confusing. At nearly 80, Nancy Pelosi’s youngest is barely 21-years-old and her oldest is almost 60. There are 8 altogether, including Lara and Kenrick, both of whom were killed during the Clinton years. We lost a lot of good people on both sides back then.

Pelosi’s office says that Nancy is currently unavailable, as she is in full relapse and sleeping off Mardi Gras, but that they expect all the Pelosi women to sober up shortly after their high holy day on March 17th.

About Flagg Eagleton 23 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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