Pope Francis shocked the world yesterday when he held an impromptu sermon on the Vatican veranda after awakening from what he told the masses huddled in the streets below was a “warning from the mouth of God Himself”. The religious icon described a “waking dream” where he was told that the Earth itself was now in the End Times, the Apocolypse was at hand, Jesus was alive, and that President Trump was the Leviathan, the false prophet of Themisycra, and must be defeated if all of humanity wished to be saved from a horrible fate.
With fiery words and a sheen of sweat on his obviously disturbed brow, the Pontiff spoke of the four horsemen beginning their ride to spread horror across the land, and pounded his fists against the parapet as he warned of milk going sour and the Dave Matthews Band making a listenable song. He visibly sobbed as he detailed a prophecy of rivers of blood, skies of ash, and, basically, everything that happens on a Saturday night at Ryan Seacrest’s house in the “What Will Fit In Me” bedroom. A chilling excerpt :
“You have raised the false prophet in America, and it’s name is Trump. As told in the Bible, it has come with it’s distinguishing mark – seen on buildings around the world. It has come with the number of the Beast, six six six, the letters of his son, Junior, the amount of adderall pills to get him through a rally, and how he pronounces Mitch McConnell’s first name when he’s completely out of it. He must be defeated before he opens the seventh seal, before he paves the way for Satan, before he tries to impregnate another Taco Bell Gordita. In the name of Jesus, we must pray for our very souls!”
A group of Bishops surrounded the Pope as he seemed visibly shaken, and guided him back to his chambers within the Vatican compound. As he was finally sent to rest, and the sun dipped low in the sky, many of the faithful described stars re-aligning in the night sky to form an image of Morgan Freeman, pointing upwards, and a whispering voice in the air uttering four Holy words: “He’s right, you know.”