Pope Francis Announces Sainthood for RGB

Pope Francis, the new liberal face of the once-respected Catholic Church, has made yet another astounding announcement that will surely make all those godless liberals jump for joy.

He’s making Ruth Bader-Ginsburg a saint.

According to the office of Papal Decrees and Vatican Sanitation, The Pontiff is excited to be awarding eternal reverence to RGB. The Pope’s own Council of Cardinals, however, is not impressed.

Father Muke Usgland, a lower Finch for Cardinal Howetzer, says the move is anything but traditional:

“Typically a person has to be dead for at least a decade before being considered for sainthood, and their life’s work should be in the name of Catholicism. Sister Ruth was a great woman, but she spent three decades ruling in favor of killing babies and marriages made for Sodom.

“We also don’t typically allow Jewish people to be sainted. She’ll be the third in history, joining Joan of Arc and Mary Magedelene. Well, and Jesus and all those disciples, but that’s more of a technicality.”

Pope Francis says he couldn’t care less what the Cardinals think:

“I’m the Pope, not them. If I say something, it’s like God himself spake it. Here, watch: Boogie Ooogie Woogie, God likes a Noogie. Now God likes noogies. Deal with it, bitches.”

Francis says he’s granting RGB “eternal Catholic status” to overcome the whole “she’s Jewish” thing and that anyone who doesn’t like it can lick his taint.

What the heckfire is the Catholic religion coming to, patriots? Someone should tell those people there are other options.

We’re praying for you, Francis. May you declare that God has mercy on your soul. Or something.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 106 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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